Style Invitational 1507: State slogan contest; songs about food


MINNESOTA: We Must Insist On Politeness! (Wisconsin, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania)

IDAHO: We Now Make KETO-Natural Potatoes! (Wyo., Neb., Mo., Ky., Ohio, Pa.)

CALIFORNIA: A Noxious, Overbearing World Infested With Narcissists (Ariz., Nev., Ore., Wash., Idaho, Wyo., Neb.)

The thought for this contest, Bob Staake instructed the Empress, got here to him, absolutely shaped, in a dream. Which makes it much more abundantly clear, far past his cartoons, that Bob is in his personal Bobworld.

It’s a bit of sophisticated to elucidate, however we expect it’ll be enjoyable to do. Bear with us right here. This week:

Select one of many contiguous 48 U.S. states or D.C. Then write a humorous slogan for that state by “touring a route” from that state into a number of others. Use the primary letters of the states in your route as the primary letters of the phrases in your slogan, as in Bob’s examples above. (You could both use or skip the state you’re writing about.)

The route needs to be an unbroken line, however it could twist and switch in each route, and might cross the identical state greater than as soon as.

You could add “a,” “an,” “the,” “and” and “or” anyplace in your slogan even when it doesn’t seek advice from the state you’re going by way of.

Submit as much as 25 entries at wapo.st/enter-invite-1507 (no capitals within the Net tackle). Deadline is Monday evening, Oct. 3; outcomes seem Oct. 23 in print, Oct. 20 on-line.

Winner will get the Clowning Achievement, our Type Invitational trophy. Second place receives a real whoopee cushion, that venerable, ever-so-droll idiocy support that emits a “braaap!” fart noise when it’s sat on. Nanoseconds of hilarity ensue! Donated by Dave Prevar.

Different runners-up win their alternative of our “For Best Results, Pour Into Top End” Loser Mug or our “Whole Fools” Grossery Bag. Honorable mentions get one in all our lusted-after Loser magnets, “A Small Jester of Appreciation” or “Shut, however Ceci N’est Pas un Cigare.” First Offenders obtain solely a smelly tree-shaped air “freshener” (FirStink for his or her first ink). See normal contest guidelines and tips at wapo.st/inviteFAQ. The headline “Kitchen Sing” is by Chris Doyle; William Kennard wrote the honorable-mentions subhead. Be a part of the energetic Type Invitational Devotees group on Fb at on.fb.me/invdev; comply with the Type Invitational Ink of the Day on Fb at bit.ly/inkofday; comply with @StyleInvite on Twitter.

The Type Conversational: The Empress’s weekly on-line column discusses every new contest and set of outcomes. See this week’s, revealed late Thursday, Sept. 22, at wapo.st/conv1507.

Kitchen sing: Meals-themed parodies from Week 1503

In Week 1503 we requested for songs about meals — rising it, shopping for it, cooking it, consuming it. And wouldn’t you understand, the Loser Group had so as to add digesting it — and egesting it — as topics among the many a whole lot of songs entered, each in textual content and video. When you’re not conversant in a selected tune being parodied, click on on the hyperlink within the title to listen to the unique — and sing alongside.

Honorable point out: our favourite video this week: Chinese language Buffet (To “YMCA”): By Marty, Sam and Nora Gold; that includes Marty, children Ari and Nora, and pooch Pumpernickel Gold (watch the top), Arlington, Va. (When you’re not seeing the video above, click here.)

To “Downtown”
What brings me pleasure when life is basically annoying? I can at all times throw
Ketchup!
All of my crudeness simply brings out my dudeness once I make it circulation.
Ketchup!
There’s nothing else that I can do this’s fairly as satisfying
As flinging out my arm and making condiments go flying.
Such an enormous thrill!
I prefer to throw totally different sorts.
Get me a jar of Del Monte, a bottle of Heinz.
I throw ketchup when I’m feeling cross!
Ketchup! That is my favourite sauce.
Ketchup! Makes me really feel like a boss now.
(Barbara Sarshik, Vienna, Va.)

To “Yesterday”
Yesterday, how I pigged out on the free buffet
Now the nausea gained’t go away
I ought to have dined dwelling yesterday.
Sirloin steak, then the double-chocolate layer cake
Topped with ice cream, was an enormous mistake
Will I survive this stomachache?
And the apple pie, my oh my, it was delish!
However now I might die, don’t know why — perhaps the knish?
Saturday, hope my diarrhea goes away
There’s a marriage up in Rockaway
I hear they’ve an incredible buffet.
(Rob Cohen, Potomac, Md.)

2nd place and the memento baggage of chocolate ‘poop’:



“Eye of the Tiger”
Fifty-plus, hardly petite,
Out of types, constipated.
Now I do know I’ve to look at what I eat,
For an opportunity simply to succeed in sixty-five.
So I’ll add, at each repast,
One thing uncooked and natural,
And I pray the Lord will let it work quick,
’Trigger I would like that reduction to reach …
It’s a high-fiber weight-reduction plan that can loosen what’s tight,
Clear me out! (Else I worry for my survival).
Unmilled bran? Yeah, I’ll attempt it!
And I’ll savor every chunk,
‘Trigger I’m altering my life with a high-fiber weight-reduction plan!
(Mark Raffman, Reston, Va.)

And the winner of the Clowning Achievement:



“Wouldn’t It Be Nice”

Pumpkin-flavored spice in your espresso,
Nutmeg, ginger, cloves there, in your mug.
“Simply what you had been wanting!” Um, I assume so;
Not the type of mix I’ve actually dug.
Do you perhaps discover it disconcerting?
Autumn means your loins you’d greatest be girding:
Pumpkin-flavored spice in Belgian waffle,
Pumpkin-flavored spice potato chips,
Pumpkin-flavored burgers — that’s simply terrible!
Pumpkin-flavored Spam? Not on my lips!
, I believe I’m now ready for winter;
Six toes deep I’d like this mix to inter.
That too-pervasive spice!
(Duncan Stevens, Vienna, Va.)

Cordon Blah: Honorable mentions



“If I Only Had a Brain”

(“sung” by Rely Dracula)
I might whereas away an hour
And fortunately devour
A magnum of champagne;
Higher but (and scrumptious!)
Could be blood (it’s fairly nutritious!),
If I solely had a vein.
I’d like to style your plasma;
(Would possibly even assist my bronchial asthma!);
I do know it sounds insane;
Have a coronary heart! Did I point out
That my thirst I could possibly be quenchin’,
If I solely had a vein.

Oh, I can’t let you know why
It’s blood that I am keen on;
After biting, when my collar’s stained with gore,
I spray with Shout! (That’s what it’s for!)
Although my pointy enamel could ache ya,


We’ll fly to Transylvania —
I’m positive they’ve a aircraft;
We’d be sitting by the campfire —
You’d get to be a vampire,
If I solely had a vein!
(Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)

Parts of a Pie (To “Nook of the Sky” from “Pippin”): By Judy Freed, Deerfield Seaside, Fla., a First Offender (When you’re not seeing the video above, click here.)



24-Carrot Magic To “24K Magic” by Bruno Mars
Crunch, crunch, it’s orange / Tasty / Plus it’s good for you
You haven’t heard? / You didn’t know? / That Bugs Bunny recommends it, too?
I’m reducing items for / A scorching stew or / Maybe a British mincemeat pie
Don’t look too onerous, however you gained’t have to / They are saying carrots assist you see at evening
Oh, snap!
I’m an actual wholesome man when a carrot’s what I’m consuming (eat up)
No extra Milky Methods for me subsequent month once I’m out trick-or-treating (eat up)
It’s my new favourite meals, “What’s up, doc?” is my new greeting (eat up)
Vegans solely!
Throw the celery out of the room!
Cooks! Toss these turnips, too!
24-carrot magic within the air…
(Jesse Rifkin, Arlington, Va.)

To “My Sharona”
Open up the package deal and grease a pan,
Brownin’ up the pasta in Rice-a-Roni!
Add the spices from the foil, water boil,
Whippin’ up a batch of that Rice-a-Roni!
San Francisco deal with, can’t be beat,
Such a starchy aspect, it goes with any meat,
To finish all of your meals with satisfaction …
Aye-aye-aye-aye ….. Wooo! Rice-a-Roni! (Mark Raffman)

My Nutella (To “Bus Cease” by the Hollies): By Sandy Riccardi, Asheville, N.C. (When you’re not seeing the video above, click here.)



Two to “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”
As a result of we had been afraid to eat a fish that sounded dangerous,
PR sorts gave its title a tweak — which quickly grew to become a fad.
Now toothfish, slimehead, yelloweye and witch are swallowed entire
As “sea bass,” “roughy,” “snapper” and naturally the “Torbay sole.”
Sure super-clever entrepreneurs could make issues appear much less crummy —
Nonetheless, there’s a restrict to the stuff that we’ll discover yummy.
Hear, spin docs: Give up rebranding pols who’ve acted scummy!
They’re the type of bottom-feeders who upset the stomach.
(Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.)

Tremendous-smart fridge, what an innovation!
Tells you ways a lot meals you’ve gotten and dates of expiration
If it could do another factor, it will get my admiration:
Tremendous fridge in the event you’re so good, please cook dinner — I’m on trip!
(Hildy Zampella, Vienna, Va.)


The Hovering Waiter
To “Moon River”

Huge menu, 20 pages lengthy.
My love and I’ll be robust and say:
“Oh, waiter, come again later
We’d like time to assume, so simply please go away.”
Two diners out to get a meal, a meal that’s eaten leisurely
We’re after some meals that tastes good
And we expect we might,
If the waiter would
Spare my love and me.

They wait until you start to chew,
Then they arrive as much as you and ask
How issues issues are tasting
However they’re losing
Their time ’trigger we’re not there to offer a evaluation.
Meal’s over, right here he comes once more
Solely time will inform us when he’ll ask,
“Are you continue to engaged on that?”
We’ll simply inform him, “Scat”
We’ll keep simply the place we’re at
Proper right here the place we bought sat
That’s my love and me.
(Rick Bromberg, Fairfax, Va.)

It’s Not Straightforward Consuming Beans (To “It’s Not Straightforward Being Inexperienced”): By Jonathan Jensen, Baltimore (When you’re not seeing the video above, click here)




To “My Favorite Things”


Ardour fruit smoothie with Brussels sprout topper,
Meals that may by no means style good as a Whopper,
Bean sprouts and quinoa, we’re so out of contact;
These are the issues that we don’t like a lot.
Cucumber-melon doesn’t go collectively;
We’d like extra substance to get by way of this climate.
Shiitake tacos style similar to they sound,
I assume we’re eternally resigned to be spherical.
When my partner cooks with no cookbook,
We’ll be consuming in,
We merely maintain consuming our favourite issues,
So perhaps we’re not . . . so skinny.
(Nancy McWhorter, Isle of Palms, S.C.)

This S’extra That I’m Consuming (To “Extra Than a Feeling”) : By Sarah Walsh, Rockville, Md., with daughter Ziva (When you’re not seeing the video above, click here)




To “Desperado”

Guacamole, you enchantment to my senses,
I’ve bought no defenses in opposition to you in any respect;
You’re so tasty and so completely seasoned
it is like I’m unreasoned once I hear you name.

Oh they’re shipped from the Southern Hemisphere
By boats, planes, trains and vehicles to right here
’Trigger we wish avocados for our personal.
And although the fee is usually freight
We simply don’t care that half the load is stone.

Guacamole, you ain’t getting’ no brisker,
And I do know that there’s strain to vary as you please —
ah, however modifications, oh modifications, that is New York foodies jivin’ —
And you will be survivin’ these new recipes.

Do not you go dangerous quick within the summertime
Your inexperienced turns brown from a scarcity of lime
And it’s onerous to overlook that slight trace of decay.
It will not be lengthy that you just’ll postpone
the time that you just discover you will be thrown away.

Guacamole, I believe we’ve come to our senses;
These candy pea pretenses simply do not style as nice.
And I’m aiming with a chip poised above you
I am gonna present you that I like you … earlier than it’s too late.
(Marcus Bales, Elyria, Ohio)

Vegans (To “Emotions”) : By Marni Penning Coleman, Falls Church, Va. (When you’re not seeing the video above, click here)



We’re Consuming Our Errors: Track of the Covid Incarcerees
To “I’ve Got a Little List”

As day by day it occurs that our three meals should be cooked
One boils and broils and bakes, one boils and broils and bakes
However when cooking abilities got out, we each had been ignored
So we’re consuming our errors, we’re consuming our errors—
Our meatballs and spaghetti wound up sticking to the pot
You’re s’posed to stir it at times, however each of us forgot
The cookies burned and now they appear like sooty little coals
And what went in as pita bread got here out as dinner rolls
We overmixed some batter, so it’s bricks as an alternative of desserts
We’re consuming our errors, we’re consuming our errors.
Refrain: One boils and broils and bakes, one boils and broils and bakes
And we’re consuming our errors, we’re consuming our errors.

It’s bread dough wants the dealing with, not pie crust—nicely, who knew?
We’ve strata now, not flakes, we’ve strata now, not flakes
And I’m amazed—evidently one can overcook a stew
We’re consuming our errors, we’re consuming our errors—
Our sourdough has by no means labored, it doesn’t rise, it sinks
The kimchi we fermented went and rotted, now it stinks
The fritters fizzled within the oil, dessert’s a soggy mess
And I overlook what’s on that plate—I couldn’t even guess
And searching in that pot of soup’s like trying down a jakes
We’re consuming our errors, we’re consuming our errors.
(Refrain)
The flour’s nearly gone now, however irrespective of—there’s no yeast
Who cares, for goodness’ sakes? Who cares, for goodness’ sakes?
We’ve made one other liquor run, we don’t care within the least
We’re consuming our errors, we’re consuming our errors—
If ever we emerge into the sunshine from this plague
I’m going to take a #$%ing tub in #$%ing Haig and Haig
Then go to each relaxation’rant within the metropolis with the miz
Like Whatshisname’s and You-Know-Who’s—I hope they’re nonetheless in biz
But it surely actually doesn’t matter, ’trigger until then, my abdomen aches
From consuming our errors, from consuming our errors.
(Shelley Posen, Ottawa, a First Offender)

Nonetheless operating — deadline Tuesday evening, Sept. 27: Our contest to make use of any of 32 new dictionary phrases in a brief, humorous poem. See wapo.st/invite1506.

DON’T MISS AN INVITE! Sign up here to obtain a once-a-week electronic mail from the Empress as quickly as The Type Invitational and Type Conversational go browsing each Thursday, full with hyperlinks to the columns.



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